Dating- Practice Makes Perfect

I went out on so many dates, some with nicer men and some with really awkward ones, so awkward that I don’t have enough words to describe them (honestly I have, but my mom said: ” spare us the  details”).
My friends know that no matter how bad or weird their date was, I probably had a worse one.
Today these stories amuse me, but back then it was exhausting and challenging.
Dating, like driving, like solving an Algebra equation, is like the saying “Practice makes perfect”.
The first date it is basically uncomfortable, after that you may feel it’s a mission impossible, and at some point you are so used to this situation that you feel comfortable and even succeed to have some fun even if the person in front of you is not suitable for you.

My motto was “the darkest time is just before dawn” and I’m on a personal crusade, helping anyone who wants to finds his\ her mate.
In previous posts we tried to understand why there is so much shame and fear surrounding the desire to achieve love, so we made a summons and a list, as detailed as possible, we opened a profile on dating site, because we do not rule out any way possible.

So we met someone that seemed interesting enough to go out with him, now what ?

No phone conversation- no date

You should speak on the phone for at least a few days, and no, texting is not counted. Via writing messages you can’t hear the tone, the intention and it’s  much easier for them to correspond than talk on the phone, because they feel less exposed. Insist on talking on the phone.
People tend to want to “close things quickly” yes or no, and if not to move on to the next person.
So, a lot of people want to get together right away, without talking too much. Then you come to an awkward and an uncomfortable date with a person whom you don’t have anything to talk about. True, there are no rules for anything, I agree, but if it is possible to prevent ourselves from unpleasantness from the beginning, why not?

Stop with the logic

Rationalization is sometimes just self-destructive and intervenes with our success. What does it mean?
When Dima sent me a message at first, saying that he was from Be’er Sheva (an hour and half away from Jerusalem, where I lived) I had already ruled him out. How will we be able to see each other? And how often?- I thought it would be too hard.
At that time I rented an apartment in Jerusalem, my landlady, lived above me and we shared a common yard. I told her about Dima and she immediately intervened, “You should go out with him. And don’t you dare end the date early, because you are uncomfortable with his long ride home. Maybe your luck is in Be’er Sheva and he is the guy for you, you can never know.”

We went out on a date and he dropped me off at home after midnight, we spent five hours together. I told him to let me know when he got home. At two a.m he sent me a text message saying that he arrived home, and of course I felt terrible that I prevented him from sleeping enough. But my luck was eventually in Be’er Sheva. My landlady was right, so always give a chance. A man who seeks a genuine relationship, will make the effort.

Stranger danger

No matter how much you talked on the phone, it’s important to remember – you are meeting with a totally strange person.
Now, as a neurotic and an anxious person, I support the method of meeting a date- in a neutral place. I don’t want him to pick me up. He would have enough time to show me his gentlemanly manner later. First of all make sure you are safe.
On every first date I had from the dating site, I set a rule that I would meet my date in a public place. Except Dima. I gave him the restaurant address and he didn’t understand. “Why shouldn’t I pick you up from home?” We had been talking on the phone for a week  and I told him very seriously: “You might be a murderer or a rapist” He, of course, canceled it with a big laugh and I was so embarrassed, with a tail between my legs I gave him my home address. But to be frank, it wasn’t very smart of me. He could easily be a psycho.

Stress- Stress- Stress

On dates everyone are stressed out .What can we do to make it a more pleasant experience, and to make the best out of it?

It’s not a job interview

Dates have great potential to appear and feel like a job interview. So what can we do to prevent this awkward feeling? Always try to sit next to the guy, not opposite to him. It breaks the tension when you sit next to each other and as a result, both of you open up, the conversation flows into interesting topics and it’s just more fun.

Make an effort to take an interest in your date

Everyone loves being the center of attention.  Most people do not really listen and just wait to their turn to speak. Try to get interested and really listen to your date before you start talking about yourself. When we are interested in the other side we discover a kind of reciprocity, is he interested or not? No one likes to be with a narcissistic person, who talks only about himself.
I remember going out on a date with a guy my friend introduced to me. I sat next to him as usual and the guy seemed to be under tremendous pressure. He didn’t stop talking about himself, about his work, the apartments he owned, his money (dud, seriously, how small is your penis?).

I had another date that ran a whole monologue about himself. I was interested in him, in his work, in his fields of interest, and for his part he only told about himself. He didn’t bother to take any interest in me. It was the longest hour of my life. When he went to the restroom, I ordered the check and paid the bill. When he returned to the table and realized that I had already paid, he was so happy. Back then I was living in my parents’ house. When I came back, my mom looked at the clock and asked, “That was really a waste of time, huh?” Needless to say, I did not meet him again, even though he pleaded a week after.
It’s also an opportunity to tell men who read this, a girl who pays on a first date or second date probably will not see you anymore. Mostly she just wants to be fair, and if she knows she doesn’t want to see you again, she’ll pay so she won’t feel she’s exploiting you.

Physical contact

You are out of the restaurant / bar and you like your date: it’s fun and you have a lot common interests. There is a great dialogue and you don’t want to go home yet. It can feel a bit awkward and a bit tensed. You do not hold hands, because you are not a couple yet, maybe his hands or your hands are sweaty from pressure, so a good idea is to incorporate your arm into the guy’s arm. It is not holding hands, but it’s still a physical contact and it breaks the tension. It’s not sexual or too intimate: for that matter I hold my mother’s arm like that as we walk together downtown. Dima testified that it was very easy on him when I did that.

Be Real

What does it mean? Let’s imagine the worst scenario. It was a lame and a boring date but you would like to meet once again (because the first date never really represents). Do not send a text message saying “It was really fun!” It is most probable that if you felt it was lame, the other side also felt the same (unless he doesn’t have any emotional intelligence).
A similar case happened to a friend of mine. He went out on a date, and after it he politely texted her “I had a great time with you, good night” even though he felt it wasn’t really a hoot. The girl replied with absolute sincerity, “that’s nice of you, good night.” He thought she was reluctant, but I understood her and thought she was very authentic and real. Be loyal to yourselves. If the date was not really fun, do not write it or say it was. People are not stupid and they recognize when something is not the true.

In this context, I must add- be yourself. If this is the mate you are meant to be with – it will happen anyway. For example, do not pretend to love trips in nature if you don’t. I remember that I was just starting to go out with Dima. My mother told me: “Fix the mess in your apartment so he won’t run away!” I laughed and said that:” if he wants to run away, it would be better now than later”.

Diversity is so important

In order to get to know a new person thoroughly, one has to see his behaviour in different situations. What does that mean? You can’t go out for 4-5 dates, sit in the same places, look and feel the same and expect something will feel different. It won’t somehow develop to an interesting way.
On the first date you can order a beer ;on a second date go for ice cream, maybe you can take a short hike; on the third one ,you might go to the beach, bowling, etc. It is really worth diversifying. It’s also nice and interesting and you can learn a lot more about the person who you are with.

Hope these tips will help you make dating a more relaxed and fun experience, and of course they will help you find your other half. Share with your single friends who wants to find their mate.
If you like this post, if you have any questions, you are more than welcome to write me a comment, here or on Facebook!